I am sitting here a weepy mess listening to the Bethel Live CD singing to the words, "More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing, more than ANYTHING in this world, Lord I need you more." And I can honestly say that I am choosing, on one of the worst days I have had in a looong time, to praise Him and cry out to my comfort for His presence and His love to give me a really big hug. I am so broken. Maybe it is just hormones, maybe its the fact that I am neglecting my flesh and searching for something so much deeper than a food fix, maybe its because I have a two year old that refuses to listen to a word I say, and couldn't pee in a potty to save her life even though she IS potty trained, maybe its even that I stay home with no money and no friends and no car to get me anywhere all day every day and the most conversation I get most days is with Trinity about what snack she wants to what she is painting on her paper, or maybe if I wanted to face the facts, Jesus is beckoning me to Him and trying to dig something out of me that I need to be rid of. This cloud I am under moved in when I started reading this book by Beth Moore called 'So Long Insecurity, You've been A Bad Friend To Me.' The title explains itself, but I was in awe that by chapter two I was searching so deep inside my heart to go back to the root of my insecurities that it brought a lot of 'junk' to the surface. Praise the Lord that I am even acknowledging my flaws. I will spare you the details but lets just say I had no idea that the hurt and the rejection that sprouted the insecurities in my heart were so juvenile, yet legit, and they cut me deep. Funny how things in junior high and high school can still effect me even now when I am so far past that season of life. Yes, I have dealt with those things and have journaled, and repented, and forgiven, but my heart is raw and vulnerable. (I highly recommend that book, just FYI!)
I am almost embarassed to admit that lately, today especially, that I questioned what my purpose is in life and why there is no excitement in what I do. I stay at home with my girls. Mind you I would never ever trade being with them for working or anything of the sort, but day after day with nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no money to go play with, I get bored. I feel the wave of depression moving in and as hard as I fight it, it always takes me under. No, I won't turn my back on or blame God for where I am at, because I know in my hurting and lonely heart that I am exactly where I need to be. Ever since I was a little girl, I have never imagined doing anything other than raising my babies. Mind you, when all my kids are in school, I will return to the college life and become an RN midwife, but thats years from now. I just feel like I am missing out on something. Then again, my greatest calling in life from the moment my Trinity Grace was conceived was to be a mother that nurtures my girls and trains them up to love the Lord and further His kingdom. My heart aches with love for them and I pray on a daily basis that they never lose sight of who they are and through me, they can learn to be that Proverbs 31 woman that makes an impact with their purity and joyful Spirits. See? I think I just talked myself out of my funk. There has been a million other things go wrong today, including dog bites, and backed up toilets full of crap, but in the scheme of life, they are so insignificant and there are so many other important things to focus on. I know deep inside that EVERYTHING will work out for the good because I love my God and want nothing more than seek Him and to be more like Him and in return He will bless that.
A little something that I am praying about that I feel stirring in my heart is some little creative thing for me to do from home to make a little money to help pay at least one of the bills. I am still waiting and seeking because I have NO clue what this is going to look like or what it is going to be, but I know its there in my heart for a reason. I have no desire to work and have something take away from my time with my babies, but I KNOW its there.
On a completely different note, tomorrow starts the beginning of my very own eating schedule. I am retarded enough to need something written on paper to tell me exactly what I need to eat from breakfast to a before bed snack when my stomach feels like it is eating itself. 10 days on, 1 day off and so on is my plan, and I even managed to get my hubby on board with this. I need support, and someone to tell me no when I reach for the cinnamon rolls or Oreos for 'just a bite' :) I am getting desperate for that shopping spree that is promised to me as soon as I reach that 140lb mark. (that seems sooo stinkin far away at this point). Winter is coming and I don't have any clothes to cover my chubby arms and legs and I will not buy any until they are no longer chubbs. I know I am not the only one out there that needs an idiot proof diet to teach me a lifelong lesson on health so don't you dare shame me. Sure, this would be so much easier if I was not breast feeding and forced to eat enough calories to make good and healthy milk for Mercy. If I wanted to, I could put her on formula, and in 40 days on the HCG shots and 500 calories a day I could be my skinny self again, but who wants something that easy? Geeze... I SURE DO! But its not gonna happen because I make it a goal to breast feed my babies for at least a year if not more for their benefit. Forget what I want :) Just as God has my best interest at heart, as do I for my children. So in approximately 7 or 8 months depending on the circumstances, after I have lost all my weight, and I WILL lose all my weight by then, I have decided I will do the HCG shots to rid my body of the yucky brown fat and retrain my metabolism and body to complete health.
Yes, I am still gluten free and trying really hard to be sugar free. It is definately NOT that hard to do, the gluten free part that is. Ill get back to you on the whole sugar free thing. So along with this new eating plan, I will be doing intense weights and cardio to further my results. Ouch.
Menu for tomorrow:
Day 1) Eggs w/ fruit
Yogurt w/ flax seed
Salad
Fruit Salad
Steak & asparagus
